Year in Reveiw

A year ago my father died of a combination of emphysema and lung cancer. An ugly combination at best.
I had really dreaded this day, mostly because I did not know what to expect. Would emotions be just below the surface? Would more tears be shed when so many have already? Would there be anything? Anything at all?
The answer is not one I had anticipated.
Last week some tears were shed. Dad was not here for Christmas. That was hard, but once the tears came and went, peace came back.
But something happened in the interim.
A year ago, (well, a year and a couple of weeks), there was a gathering of friends to go out to eat in various forms of dress up. This is something that would happen from time to time and good time is always had by all.
George and I, while we really wanted and needed to go, could not. Things with my father kept us away.
A few days after the party, I received something from friends who had attened. A card telling us we were missed and they were thinking of the family. Also in that card was a picture. It delighted me and lightened that day and time considerably. I have several other pieces of this man's wwork and I wanted this one framed as well. I wanted it in my kitchen so I could see it everyday.
Well, one thing led to another. Christmas came, my father died and all manner of stuff was put aside to deal with what needed to be done at the time. The picture was lost. Until a week ago.
It was found with other Christmas cards and items put aside to be looked at when time allowed.
The time allowed is now. We went yesterday and had it framed.
The drawing is hanging in my kitchen along with another and I love them both.
All is not lost and in fact a great deal is found.
Thanks Bob and Marcella and Karen.

Napping

I was a slacker today. It was absolutely wonderful! A 2 hour nap. No cooking other than putting the leftovers in the microwave Great stuff.
I normally make a big dinner for Sunday evenings. Family is all here. The table is set with china and candles. The family is important and all the trappings need to be used regularly to make sure the always feel important.
Not today. I took a day off.
The world did not come to an end. My children did not feel abused. I did have to promise dinner tomorrow, but I got a day off.
Now if you don't mind, It is after 10 in the evening.
Time for bad.

A lovely, slow day

We have unwrapped gifts, eaten rich foods and enjoyed family all day. These were the real Christmas gifts.
I watched my son entertain his 15 month old nephew. My daughters laughing together over something incredibly inane. Friends sitting together and drinking Italian champagne.
No demands, just being together.
Now I realize this doesn't happen everday. It is just so nice when it does. Kind of like the divine knowing what we really want and need, even when we have different ideas.

And the child....

We have been to church. A little boy carried a figure of the Christ babe to the altar and placed him in a manger.
And we shall all be lead by a child.
My daughter waits for her son and his father to return tonight. Her faith in the spirit of Christmas is waning. She so wants for life to be better. Just waiting for it to get better. I want to tell her how much she has. But that would be preaching. And any daughter will tell you she really does not want to listen to her mother preach.
I want to tell her of hope and light and life that can be found even in the really crappy times.
But I will let her son tell her that.
I think sometimes we have to wait to let those messages come through. When we are listening. Cait's son is 15 months old. I think his voice is just right. His message is just right.
Just like the little boy tonight taking up the baby to the manger. He came back to the pew, grinned and said he did his job and he liked it. I needed that message. The job we all need to do.
And we really will all be lead by a child.

Early Morning

I was awake this morning at 5:30. No particular reason, just "up". Coffee and my dogs. Greeting the day slowly.
We have 2 days til Christmas. A winter storm is moving into the area and we are geared for the blast. Milk and cookies, pasta and wine. Bring on the snow and holiday!

Waiting on the chicken

It is almost 5:00 p.m., three days before Christmas. The chickens are slathered in butter and roasting away. Potatoes will be peeled to cook and mash. Asparagus ready to be roasted. Not an atypical meal for us, but a little more going in to it this time. Just because.
The groceries for the big holiday have been purchased and last minute gifts are here. We are a little slow on the wrapping, but I have promised it will be done by the morning of the 25th.
I guess this is called waiting. Kind of what Advent is - waiting and preparing. Not to be too religous, but that is what we do at this time of year. Listen, wait, listen, go and do. Listen and wait again.
A year ago we were waiting for Christmas with the knowledge it would be my dad's last. I remember hearing the bells from St. Jo's, a block away, as the Luke gospel was read close to midnight. At the time, I didn't feel the joy associated with the passage and the bells. I did, however, feel a peace I had not felt in quite a while.
That peace is still with me. Sometimes I have to stop to feel and listen to it. To know it.
Peace be with all of you this Christmas season.

Passing it on

I made eggnog tonight. Not just any eggnog, but Lady Keith's eggnog. A true southern liquid concoction passed on to me by a former priest's wife when they retired back to the south. Lady (Adelaide)really was a southern lady. The term really applied. We all loved her and she us. Her wit was wonderfully sharp and gentle all at the same time.
Anyway the nog is made and will be consumed tomorrow night at the annual St. Mark's Episcopal Church Christmas potluck. Only made once a year, it has bourbon, rum and brandy cooking the eggs, cream, 1/2 and 1/2 and copious amounts of sugar. Drink a cup or two and it really does not matter what else is served.
When the Keiths left, the women of the church begged Lady for some of her traditional recipes. Green Beans ritually served at the seder supper of Holy Week went to one woman. Another got her beef burgandy. Yet another got her lemond curd recipe. I got the eggnog and flourless citrus cakes recipes. The cake recipe came to me because I had more than one angel food cake pan (comes from going to a lot of auctions). Her memory will live longer than her husband's. Not because he wasn't a good priest. He was. It was just she was such a good cook, good friend and not someone easily forgotten.
We now talk at church about the new recipes people have brought that all love.
I have to wonder who will get this batch once we move on.

Hope Tree

We have a Hope tree in the school community library. I say we, but it is the FBLA (Future Business Leaders Association) - students and a sponsor heading up the effort. Everyone in the school has the opportunity to contribute. It has been done other years by other groups, but it has been done for as long as I know.
It is a project that provides gifts for kids when their families are meeting some hard times. When there just is not enough to go around and Christmas doesn't fit the budget.
This year there is a great deal more need. The ornaments with the needs listed covered the tree. Couldn't see the green of the tree. Women of different churches have said they know the need has hit the churches as well. More families have said if there was extra, could they be considered.
I read not long ago that we have the opportunity to meet the divine everyday when we meet need. Not just at Christmas or Channakuh, but everyday. I am not preaching. I would not presume.
I am saying need is there. We need to look and listen and do and meet.
Who knows what can happen?

Another Year

We went to a birthday party last night for a couple turning 50 a couple of days apart. People making jokes about turning 50 and about being "old". It was fun and after eating dinner and chatting for a while, my husband and I came home.
Even more fogeyish, we sat and watched a movie with no violence, questionable language or possible sexuality.
I don't feel old. Middle aged? Yup, you bet.
I am at the point in life where I don't have to prove anything. Drinking and partying to the early morning is no longer required. Only watching cutting edge or popular movies/shows - no longer required.
Just being together, nice and warm. Knowing where the kids are and the dogs by our side. That is so right.
George and I have a good thing. Bring on another year.

Editorial Comment

In the local paper, the infamous editorializer was at it again. This time it was a blame game. Isreal and occupants to be exact. They are the reason for the wars in Afghanistan, Iraq and Al Qaida.
Bet you didn't know that.
Where does he get this crap? And why?
Every time I read his column I have to stop myself from picking it apart. I have to self censor.
I have to allow for opinion.
I am trying to maintain a positive outlook. It is the Christmas and Channakuh seasons. The gift of light is coming into the world in so many ways. I have to get beyond wanting to smack the guy. Not at all a good thing to do. No matter how good it might feel....

Snow Day - Revisited

We have our second snow day in a row and the sun is shining brightly. It is however, bitterly cold outside. The buses probably could not run and cars would have a difficult time. The wind is also whipping the snow around into drifts.
So, in we stay.
It gives me the chance to bake for the holidays. To listen to the newest CD by Sting. To sit with George and look at the tree and be quiet.
I think I like that best.

Snow Day!

It is snowing outside. The possibility of actual accumulation is exciting to me. Waking up and looking out the window to see what happened over night. A white world. All the dead flowers and plants, the bare trees, covered in snow. A truly wonderful sight!
That is until February hits. Then I want green grass, green leaves, flowers and fresh squash from the garden.
So until then, happy snow day!

My husband and I had not an argument but a strong discussion this morning. I say strong because our opinions differed and we needed to make ourselves and said opinions understood.
It was over an editorial in the local paper. George had taken offense and was stating how he felt about the matter and the author. He was wanting to write in to the paper and he wanted me to back him.
Here is where we differed. I couldn't back him.
Not this time.
Usually, I find the editorialist's work to be at best purile and at worst, horribly bigoted, exclusionary and incredibly isolationist.
This time I still didn't agree, but I could not back George. For once, the author had stated what I felt to be an opinion. Not one I agreed with, and it was stuck in at the end of an essay paying respect to the survivors of Pearl Harbor and World War II, which cheapened the whole thing. But it was an opinion.
I will argue and defend someone's right to state an opinion. Period.
It would be much better if they agreed with mine...

The Christmas tree went up today. Tomorrow will be the remainder of the house. Please note, this is the earliest we have ever put the tree up. A very auspicious occasion.
My husband has had a strong tradition of not wanting to put up a tree until after church on the 4th Sunday of Advent. States that Advent is a somewhat penitential season. A thoughtful season. A season of preparation and Christmas trees and other greenery are not part of that preparation.
I on the other hand like my tree up right after Thanksgiving. Gives me a full month of enjoying the greens, the reds and the glow of the tree lights.
So we compromise. The tree goes up a little later than the weekend after Thanksgiving but much earlier than the last Advent Sunday. We also keep it up for the entire 12 days of Christmas. It does not come down until Epiphany. Uh Uh. No way.
Keep in mind we have always had real trees. When Epiphany comes around we have kindling sitting in our front room. No sparks, candles or hot thoughts can come close.
So tonight we have Christmas lights glowing softly in the living room. Fresh pine permeates the air upstairs.
I think we are in preparation.

It has begun

I was confronted by a very nice person this morning. She had a ready smile, nodded at the right places and yet didn't seem to take in a word that was said.
It baffled me. I don't believe the woman to be lacking. Really. She just seemed to have turned her brain off and was going through the motions. How can a body do that for any length of time and why?
This is not the first time of late to run into this type of behavior. Has it become the norm?
Don't go beyond the "nice" barriers. Don't allow creative or individual thought to come in to play.
I can't live that way. I need to be thinking all the time. The brain just keeps trundling on with the what if's. Kind of fun.
I would like to encourage this woman to try it. It might be scary at first, but she might like it.

At a meeting tonight we discussed giving. Primarily Christmas baskets of food to families in need. One woman in the group didn't want to give too much. For fear it would go to individuals she sees milking the system because they go and accept commodities and frequent the food bank every month. Another was concerned about giving because someone in the past had not sent a thank you note. Yet another didn't want to give to a family where someone smoked or drank. Felt if they could afford those things they did not deserve a basket.
Ordinarily, these are good people. Truly wanting to help others. And yet this evening a whole other set of attitudes and views came out.
Why is that?
My family is not holier than thou. Far from it.
We have our moments of grumpiness.
Trust me.
Yet, we believe we have more than enough and what we have is to be shared if possible. Our door is open. Always enough to go around. Always.
Our kids believe that too and bring home every person they deem to have a need.
Sometimes we hold our breath.
Other times the lessons we learn are incredible.
So the attitudes tonight make we wonder. How can I and my family help make change?
It starts with us. And with those around us.
Christmas baskets will go out. But they may also go out in January or June or August. Someone's utilities might get paid. Not because they are worthy but because there is a need.
There is a need.

Winter

It is morning and it is dark and cold outside. Normally I like the cold weather. Even like cloudy days. But today, I look at the outside and feel like a total grump. Part comes from not sleeping and part comes from the wanting to stay home and not deal with the world.
I don't think it is too much to ask to have the occasional mental health day. It just can't be today. That feeds the grump.
State reports and church meetings need to be completed. The nap that would love to be taken, needs to be put off til another day.
Yup, winter is here.