Balance Act

My husband and I have been doing nothing but sitting and vegetating this evening. A rarity anymore.
Watched TV, surfed the net and watched our grandson explore with blocks. How cool is that?
We also looked at the calendar for the next month. Tomorrow night is a band concert with our son on the tuba. It is also an Obama speech regarding sending troops into Afghanistan. I am trying to balance the evening so I can see both. Sounds kind of strange but I do want to see both. Sam is in band and I am not going to miss a concert. But he is 14 and in another 3 1/2 years he will be 18.
See where I am going with this?
We stay in Afghanistan, he might be eligible to go. Should the draft ever be reinstated, my girls might be brought in to the war as well.
Scares the pee out of me.
I don't pretend to understand all the politics of the Afghanis. Heck, I am not sure they do!
What I do know is I don't want to lose any of my children to war. No one does.
So somehow we will watch Sam and the President and hope and work towards the best.

Sunday evening

It is almost bedtime on a Sunday evening. A good holiday weekend all the way around. Time to be home and time to just relax and not let the holiday season to come encroach on quiet time.
We watched a Christmas parade on Main Street of Great Bend. Gotta admit, parades in small towns are fun. Not something you would see in the city. Vintage cars, harvest machinery, Santa arriving in a horse drawn carriage, which is certainly better than the combine he use to arrive in. The kids lining the street with plastic bags, waiting for the candy to be thrown. It was fun.
I am going to encourage everyone to get a community feel, go to a small town parade.
Feels good.

Sleep

The past couple of mornings I have awakened around 4:00 a.m. with my brain jumping up and down yelling "Get UP!". No reason for it. No sub-concious memos trying to get through. Brain was up and the rest of the body needed to follow.
This makes for a bit of a dilemna later in the day. I need a nap. Which is great if there is time and space. But a lot of times there is not and my outlook on the world gets a little narrow and perhaps a little paranoid. I just know my family is plotting to keep me awake. Or the dogs, yeah the dogs, they don't want me to sleep....
If only THEY would realize it would be in everybody's best interest.
So I am awake. The paper has been read, dishes from the evening before have been washed (the dishes that were used after the original dishes had been washed - that is another blog in of itself), the house is quiet so no vacuuming. Just awake.
Don't call this afternoon. There will be nap taking going on and if you wake me, I will have to assume you are in on the conspiracy with the dogs.

Thanksgiving Day

The pie is baking and the potatoes are on to boil. Cream cheese is softening and leeks are out to be sliced. The Parade (only important one out of the year) is on the tv. Soon the dog show will be on and our corgis get to watch the herding group with us. A good day full of ritual and tradition for our household.
Giving thanks for family and friends is easy. I know that we have been blessed with good health (swine flu not withstanding). We have been given enough. Certainly not flush, but enough. Everything we need and some of what we want. And when it comes to want, we really "want" for nothing.
I do look back to Thanksgiving Day a year ago. Same things going on. Baking, cooking, pulling china out, looking forward to a full house. I knew then it would be my father's last and I wanted to make it a great day for him and for all of us. It was not meant to be. He just didn't have it in him to make it to our house and to sit at table. We took the meal to him. At the time, all I could think of was how much it hurt. I look back now and give thanks. I was able to do for him and for his lady.
I give thanks for my dad. I know that today he is at our table once more.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

Cooking

It is the day before Thanksgiving. My husband is baking bread and when he is done the kitchen becomes mine. I get to really dig in and bake, cook, saute' and putter in my kitchen with my pots, pans and spices.
This is my favorite holiday.
I get to plan a big menu. Cook for family. Cook in general and just relax in my fashion.
Today will be desserts. Caramel cake, chocolate, raspberry swirl cheesecake, pecan pie. Maybe a cookie or two.
Vegetables will be prepped and turkey looked at and petted. Gotta let it know that it is loved.
Tomorrow is even better.
Let us give thanks!

Mom, I need...

I have been in and out of the house, mostly out, for the last several days. I overbooked and had to be at several different functions at the same time with food baked and/or cooked plus dishes to be set, etc.
Timing was a challenge but all that is over and the week ahead is fairly free with the exception of Thanksgiving and that will at least be at our house.
I have had my cell phone with me. All the family knew my whereabouts and if someone was in need all that was required was a phone call to be made and I would try my best to meet the need.
It was this evening when I was finally home and sitting in my favorite chair relaxing when the needs came out. One daughter needed to tell me about a movie and who might show for dinner this Thursday. Nothing earth shattering, but the need to connect. Same with the other daughter. Needing to share what her son had accomplished the past couple of days and how we were going to have to raise the level of child proofing.
My son hit it though. Sam just needed to tell me about Saturday. It had been a long day for him. Several things happened and he had been waiting for me to be home long enough to tell me so I could really listen. When his next oldest sister hollered at him to get in the kitchen to help with dishes, his response was he needed time to tell mom important stuff and she could just stuff it.
The need to connect. To stay still long enough to let it happen.

Dona Nobis Pacem

A little over 20 years ago, a day or so after my mother's funeral, my father, my aunt (mom's sister) and her daughter, my one year old daughter and myself, were sitting out in front of dad's house. Cait was in a stroller. It was August in Kansas, but not at all unpleasant. As we sat there talking, a hymn/round rose up. Dona Nobis Pacem. We had all learned it as children.
In the evening air, the music blended with the sounds of passersby, birds, insects...
A sense of peace came over us all.
I remember the look of absolute contentment on my young daughter's face as she listened. I remember my cousin simply saying "Lovely".
A moment as clear now as it was then.
Fast forward to last year. I had signed the papers to put my father in a hospice right at Christmas. Had sat on the side of his bed to explain why.
For a moment, I left the hospital to get a breath of air and coffee to clear my mind. On impulse I picked up a YoYo Ma cd for the season. Popped it into the car stereo and out came a beautiful rendition of Dona Nobis Pacem. As I sat there in the parking lot of the hospital listening, that same sense of peace came over me.
I play that now. Not because of a time of duress. I play it just to center me. I sing it to my grandson and to myself.
The peace is there.
It is here.

Letting Go

I am overbooked. It was not be that way at all. I have food due to several entities and my own person is needed in 3 different places at once for the next several days.
Again, it was not supposed to be this way.
There is the church bazaar to bake and help set up for on Friday and Saturday. There is the Holiday table to set up on Friday and take down on Saturday. There is food to be served to cast and crew for the Community Theater production for the next 4 days. There is a family in the house that needs to be fed and paid attention. Oh, and there is work.
Now, I know I am not the only person around with a busy schedule. But, this is looking a little daunting.
I lost baking time when I got sick with the flu. 5 days worth.
Soooo. My husband stepped in to help some and I have a close friend also stepping in to help.
I could not even begin to think I could do this without them. I have to let go and let both do. Period.
And to that, I say thank you.

Dinner for 9

We had 9 at our table last night. Chicken and rice was served.
The toddler did not want to eat anything he could not put in his mouth himself.
The 14 year old ate some of the chocolate praline cake for his mother's sake, but will not eat it again. It has nuts.
The 17 year old and her boyfriend ate and ran. They had a play to catch.
The 21 year old and her mate enjoyed the conversation, ran after the toddler and helped with dishes.
The forty-something man at our table sat and talked with all of us, most especially with his father.
My husband talked and listened and sometimes was just speechless. Something he thought might never happened was and has the very bright potential of happening again. Even if it were to be just the one time, it would be enough.
Time has a funny way. Speeds up, slows down, never just enough....
Last night, I think it might have stood still just a little for my husband. In a very good way.

Coming Home

Yesterday I watched a You Tube video of a soldier returning home from Afghanistan after a year away from his family. The family dog ran to greet him and just turned inside out with joy. I sat and wept. So did the woman filming (the man's wife).
Tomorrow, my husband's youngest son from his first marriage is coming to visit. It has been almost 19 years since they have seen one another. A long time.
I don't think there were be the turning inside out. But the emotion will be and is already there. So many feelings, thoughts, questions after all this time. What comes out first?
We have all grown a great deal in that span of time. Certainly we are physically older (I keep seeing little silver hairs and George sees absolutely no dark ones on his head.).
But it is much more than that.
There is a family here for him to meet. They have heard about him but not seen him.
Will he be uncomfortable here in our little house? We are talking small and the table will be crowded. Always is. We always make the table fit anyone and everyone that comes through the door. As many as 20. Just really crowded. We like it that way. But, will my husband's son?
So tomorrow is the day of returning. But maybe we shouldn't look at it as a returning. Maybe, just maybe, it will be a beginning. Of turning inside out and being at peace. Of beginning again.
That is it.
Beginning again.

Nothing Stands in the Way of...

It is Sunday morning and I still have the flu. I still do not like the individual(s) who gave it to me.
However, there are certain things that have to be done. Flu or not.
Like last night. I was "BY GOD!" going to see my kids on stage in a musical. Asked a favor and was allowed to sit in the balcony away from everyone else so as not to infect the world. Felt miserable and a bit of a martyr for my kids, but got to see my kids.
This morning will be no different. I did choose to not go to church. (Big of me I know.) There will be trip to the grocery store though. Turkeys are on sale. My brand of turkey and the big T day is close. I have to have that turkey!
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
3 days of cooking.
I couldn't be more happy. My favorite thing to do.
Really.
Sooooo. Despite the flu, I will have my turkey.
And if on Thanksgiving, around 5ish in the late afternoon, you find yourself hungry, stop by. Dinner will be served.
Menu is turkey.

Swine flu

I am sick. The fever is up, chills and then the sweats. My body aches as does my head. The kids at school gave it to me. I know they did.
I do not like them much.

Dogs

We have corgis. 2 of them. Their purpose is to keep the herd together. The family being the herd. Now if it is just George and I, the dogs are mellow, laid back and happy to just be adored. As the family grows throughout the evening, kids coming and going. The phone ringing, and general chatter ensuing. The dogs, especially the female, start to circle the wagons. Barking is added to the mix. Lots of it. Chaos reigns.

Kids go to bed. The phone quiets down, tv noise is at a murmur. The dogs position themselves to watch us. Making sure there is now way we can escape without their notice. Without too giving out too much information, they can be great birth control if allowed.

Thing is, we love them. Cesar Milan might be appalled at the fact we are not true pack leaders.
The dogs bark, but they go downstairs when told, and while they might not like it, they do go.
The dogs want to be your best friend. Especially if you are not a dog person. Surely your mind can be changed.
They shed. A lot.
So there are issues we deal with. But deal we do. We would with 2 legged members of the family. We will with the 4 legged.
The plus side to these compulsive shepherds? Absolute joy on their faces when we come through the door. No matter the day, the dogs are thrilled to see us. When sick, they keep watch. When sad, a corgi will be right by our side.

The pluses win.

Veteran's Day

Today is Veteran's Day.
The day to thank the Veterans was made to honor the men from the war to end all wars, World War I.
Look how far we have come.
My husband is a veteran of the Korean War. His brothers were in WWII as was my father and his brothers (one was in Korea). Some of their sons were in Viet Nam. Friends of ours have been in Nam, Bosnia, Iraq and Afghanistan.
They went out of a sense of duty or were drafted or both. Either way they served.
It is time to stop the war and the loss. Bring them home. Let us honor those who have served by not bringing on another war to be served with lives.

Grass is Greener

We have gozillion amount of channels on our TV. I pushed for satellite this past spring. The switch for HD was being made and the little black box was not doing the job. So along came a dish attached to out roof.
The kids were and are thrilled. We had entered the current age.
My husband wasn't so sure. He would point out from time to time there really wasn't anything on.
I didn't buy it. I had to admit that I enjoyed the food channel, the travel channel, arts channels. Watching dog shows with my corgis on Saturday mornings.
Tonight we are watching PBS. A channel we had before.
Tomorrow we will still have the multi-million channels.
But there will be a little bit of humble pie spiritually eaten.

Applebee's

Wednesday will be Veterans' Day.
Applebee's will be serving entrees for free to any veteran. Hy Vee in Topeka will be serving breakfast to any veteran and his/her spouse. There will be other such offerings. A small token.
My father was in WWII. My husband in Korea. Friends were in Nam and Bosnia. Afghanistan and Iraq and Afghanistan again.
We feed the body.
Yet, there are so many that aren't fed. Be it physically or otherwise. We had 8 years where "patriotism" reigned and the veteran was ignored.
My hope is that there is a change in the air with our current administration. My hope is that what we all saw when Obama met the plane carry the dead and the families, giving back the dignity and respect so deserved. That we all know the cost of war. The cost veterans shouldered.

Hobby Lobby

I frequented Hobby Lobby for the second time in as many weeks today. Doing yet another holiday table in a couple weeks. You know, that china fetish I have?
Anyway, I have the ability to spend an hour in that place. Pleasantly wandering from aisle to aisle thinking about all that could be.
Yet, I have to admit my concience is beginning to tweak me. The profits of the company go to very conservative entities. Some intense conservative bias. Ultra religious. Going towards the judgemental and discriminating.
Sigh.
How can I support Hobby Lobby with my patronage and know where some of my money might end up?
Damn.

Whoopers

My husband and I took a time out this afternoon. We went up to Cheyenne Bottoms, north of Ellinwood and Great Bend. Special repeat visitors had arrived.
The whooping cranes.
There are very many and the area had 18. An absolute plethora!
We saw them in the distance. Four could be seen.
There would be no chance of getting close. That is at it should be to my way of thinking. It is the human interaction that has brought them to the brink of extinction.
We moved at a crawl and then stopped. All we could hear was the wind, the call of birds on the water and the water itself. Daily life faded away.
What a gift.
We are home, but carry a bit of that peace.

Obsessions

I have a confession to make.
No, not one of those.
Actually, it is just a proclaimation that many already know about it.
I love china. 7 sets. Each can serve a minimum of 12.
Keep in mind we have a small house and George collects wooden toys along with my collection of pedestal cake plates, cake plates in general and glass.
Storage is an interesting dilemna.
But I digress.
I love china and this weekend I get to show off a set for a holiday table and in 2 more weeks I get to use a different set for a different holiday table at another function. I am excited. In making that statement, I am struck by how odd it is.
Ooooohhh. Arranging china and candles and vintage stuff.
Exciting?
Maybe I need therapy.
But I heard about another auction with china...

Church Ladies

Church ladies.
Some you wouldn't hang with unless you were at church. Some of the women become your closest friends for the remainder of your life. Seeing you through times when life looked pretty bleak. Then there are some of the women you enjoy seeing once a week on Sunday. Catch up on the doings of their families, job and maybe discuss some church business.
It is the "womens'" groups that make me a little crazy and bring out the worst in any woman. I don't care who she is.
I was at one tonight. Great women. Very strong in their lives and faith. Until the planning of the "bazaar" begins. It is a stressful time for everyone. Talk about the devil in the details. Has to be perfect.
Bazaars are the devil. They bring out the confused, the perfectionist and those who just want to give money to feel better and stay the hell away from it.
If you are church woman, you know what I am talking about. You have felt it. And I bet you want to run as fast as I do.
Our bazaar is in 2 weekends. Baking will be out of control. Then the wrapping of the foodstuffs, then the selling.
Gotta be a better way.

Detours

Tomorrow would have been my father's birthday if he were still alive. I have tried to not think about that fact. Taking the advice of those I love and respect to just get on with living. Those individuals were right, but....
I couldn't. Memories would pop into my mind. The urge to call Dad with news of the day when I would start making dinner for the family. Like I did before. Starting to look at the Thanksgiving dinner and realizing for the first time ever I don't need to fix bread dressing. He was the one to ask for it. Everyone else except our son obligingly ate it on the day, but that was the longest living leftover.
Anyway, I would force my mind to take detours around the feelings, the memories. Think about something else. Didn't work. I was growing short with the world around me. I would tear up at the least little thing. And while I am a weeper, it was getting rather foolish.
So with that in mind, I started to look at what was going on. I also opened up to what I needed to do. Not what someone else would do, but what I needed.
I avoided the detours. I am using things that belonged to my folks and enjoying the thought they too would be pleased. I can imagine smiles and that in turn has slowed the tears and heavy feelings. I can't advise anyone on how to deal with death of those people important in their lives. It is different for all. Just avoid the detours.