Guilt by Association

The sirens the other day did not end up with a phone call to our house.  The one chick still out, checked in and assured the mother hen she was not being life watched anywhere.
I was then told that perhaps I should worry less.  That my imagination seemed to run away with me and was going to end up giving me ulcers, etc.
Did I mention the guilt I was going to apply?
Growing up, guilt was implied from the get go.  Mother was,  hmmm, different some days.  That really doesn't sound nice and I do not wish to be mean or nasty.  Always knew I was loved.  Always.  It is just some days were not easy for mom.  The wear and tear just overwhelmed her.  Hell, just grandmother could do that.  She was one mean and crazy woman. 
Anyway, on those days when life was difficult, problems that seemed almost insurmountable to mother were passed on to those around her.  Their fault and they needed to find the solution.  Pronto.
At the time, I thought it was not a great life to have to deal with a mom who was, as we call now, bipolar.  That no one else understood.  That my life was woefull and bleak. 
Those teenage years can be a bitch!
Looking back, I now realize what I had taught me what I need to know today.  My family knew to watch mom.  To look for the signs a manic phase might be approaching which would also foretell the dark hole to follow.  Sometimes, we could help make the darkness not so bad.  Sometimes it meant we learned to ride the hardness out. 
Mom, in her way, taught me how to live today. While I do tend to obsess about what could happen from any side, I can help prepare for what is coming.  Making some hard decisions and situations at least a little better. 
I told the chick accusing me of worrying to much she should consider herself lucky to have an obsessive mom.  She will thank me when she is 50.

Sirens

It is 4:00 in the morning and I am wide awake.  We live in a small town with a volunteer fire department.  They are summoned to a job through a siren system.  A very good system.  Really.
Except when you are a mom with a really strong tendency to worry. 
One of the daughters was not home.  I would not have know this and would have slept blissfully on in my ignorance had it not been the sirens going off at 3:21. 
Sirens wake me.  As they should. 
Anyway, there were no texts or missed calls.
I went and stood out on the front porch to listen for trucks and ambulances leaving the town to see which way they went.  I resisted the urge to jump in my car and go look.  I did not want to be one of the scanner people and why would I want to come up on accident that could possibly involve someone I know.
I will admit to searching for scanner info on google. 
Surprising at what you can't find when you want it.  You can find out about tours through the Amazon but not local information.  I will find it tomorrow.  When I want Amazonian tours to be provided online at no expense.
So. The coffee is on, the dishes are washed.  Facebook has been checked as have world news sites and Sunday's dinner menu planned. 
And it is only a little before 5 in the morning.
I think I will be doing the motherly thing later in the day and lay on a huge amount of guilt.

Starting again

I have a daughter and grandson moving soon.  That may sound like a natural progression of events and it is.  The problem is my letting go and not directing lives to the way I think they should go.
So, I have to take a step back. 
Well, shit.

Child bearing

Grandson is taking a bath.
Mostly it is because Grandpa and I got tired of listening to him playing 1000 questions.
We have to go through the motions of his saying " I can't do it!" when it comes to taking his pants over his shoes.  He refuses to do it the other way around.  Something does not click in taking the shoes off first. 
So in the bath he goes.  Then there is the washing of the body.  Ash feels the need to talk about body parts and why some have them and others do not.  More than grandma wants to deal with. 
We have all had a turn with bathing Ash.  No one is spared.  Water is splashed, no lotions or body wash is safe.  Dogs are targets.  Peeing from the tub into the toilet is an Olympic event.
George and I look at one another and ask did we not already do this?
There is a reason why younger people have the kids.
Sigh.

New Year

Resolutions are made and broken.  At least that has always been the case with me. 
I refuse to make them this year.  Don't want to let myself down.
Anyway, what I intend to do is let out what has been inside.  In a creative manner.
A friend posted he was the best artist of 2012.  Maybe he is. 
I do know there is something inside of me that needs feeding creatively.  Sure I cook.  Very well thank you.  But I need more.  Maybe this blog will be it. 
No one really reads it.  So maybe the feelings and needs can be met here in a slightly anonymous way. 
We will see.

Sick

I hate being sick. 
And with divertiulosis, I get sick every now and then.  Maybe once a year. 
I thought I was catching it early.  I thought wrong.  No hospital, but I have to admit the idea had a great deal of merit last night.  I seem to be one of those that think "If I can hang on just a little longer it will get better".  And it seems to have done that.  Now, rather than being at 30%, I think I can boast being at 50%. 
Big whoop.
TV holds no interest.  The computer is something I can look at only so long.
And I get bitchy and whiney.  I have to pry myself off the pity pot with thoughts like "Other people are worse off than you" or "At least you don't have ... (fill in the blank)".

I take baths.  Somehow the water takes away the nausea and most of the headache.  Helps diminish the pain.  George comes in and looks at me.  He gets worried.  Not sure if it is the amount of water being used or the fact I am sick and silent.

Sigh.

Time for a bath.

Kitchens

We are painting our kitchen.  Tile backsplash going up and a new counter top at some point.  Maybe even flooring.  Doing this brings out some insecurities believe it or not.  Not in my cooking but in my view of what looks good.  George wants to use what we have on hand.  That is good and it is certainly cheaper.  But it does not necessarily go with what I had in mind.  That is where the insecurity comes in.  Do I settle and go for what is immediate and cheap?  Do I push for what I want and not know exactly what it will look like when all is said and done?
Right now we have yellow/gold paint.  Something I can live with.  A green cabinet (my choice).  But the steps after that? 
Still under discussion.